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WHAT IS SURROGATE SEX THERAPY? Surrogate Sex Therapy is a legitimate form of sexual therapy that has been recognised for over fifty years. The aim is to learn hands on sexual exercises with a trained sexual partner, called a Surrogate, with supervision by the sexual therapist. These sessions are about self-esteem, relationship building and of cause education about sexual intercourse. It takes an average of eight to ten hours of therapy building trust and intimacy before clients and Surrogates engage in sex, that is if they engage in sex at all Surrogates work in a triangular arrangement with the sex therapist and the client in order to achieve specific goals. The client, Surrogate, and therapist all work together to solve the problem, yet the client will see the therapist and Surrogate separately. The therapist is not in the room with the client and Surrogate. The sex therapist will refer the client to the Surrogate in the same manner that any medical professional refers a client to a specialist. While the sex therapist discusses the problem with the client and recommends a course of action the trained professional Surrogate acts like a like a sex coach or personal trainer to help demonstrate these methods. Actions can speak louder than words and a demonstration of a specific technique to solve a specific problem can be much quicker than years of counselling and discussion. With Surrogate Sex Therapy, the problem can resolved in the fastest possible time with the least financial burden to the client.
It is easy to see why this form of therapy has drawn some criticism from other traditional long-term therapists due to the speed and permanence with which these sexual problems are overcome and due to it reputedly having a 90% success rate. In the 1950’s the famous gurus of sexual therapy William H. Masters and Virginia Johnston began the practice of “Surrogate Therapy” with their elite clientele in St. Louis USA. It has suffered the same fashion ups and downs as all forms of psychotherapy but after having been practised consistently for more than fifty years with its fantastic success rate, like it or not, it is here to stay.
Obviously, Surrogate Sex Therapy is not for everyone. No form of therapy is universal. Some sex therapists reject the idea of Surrogate Sex Therapy due to issues of transference or attachment. It is the referring sex therapist’s job to identify people prone to such behaviours and weed them out of the Surrogate program. For instance if they are fixated on their ex-girlfriend it is unlikely that they will be allowed onto the program. Yet Surrogate Sex Therapy remains very necessary for the more difficult sexual problems. The rule of thumb seems to be, to apply Surrogate Sex Therapy when all other forms of traditional sex therapy, including pharmacology, have been genuinely attempted and failed. However, these forms of therapy may be used as an adjunct to Surrogate Sex Therapy. Surrogate Sex Therapy can be seen as a last resort for many people who have given up hope. Clients seeking Surrogate Sex Therapy are generally well informed about what the practise will involve as they have been to many therapists. Some have had long-term therapy that has successfully treated their relationship early childhood or trauma issues yet they still have a specific sexual problem.
WHO IS A SUITABLE CANDIATE FOR SEX SURROGATE THERAPY? Sexual Surrogate therapy is suitable for qualifying individuals or couples over eighteen years of age who pass a rigid assessment interview with a specialist psychologist or sex therapist. The range of sexual problems treated by Surrogate Sex Therapy includes premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, anorgasmia, lack of performance, poor sexual technique from inexperience and low desire. Surrogate Sex Therapy is particularly effective for specialized problems such as sexual phobias, illness and disability issues.
Some clients present with skill deficits as they have been told they are poor lovers or always feel awkward sexually. Being able to learn hands on is a great benefit for these people’s confidence in lovemaking. Many of the people presenting for Surrogate Sex Therapy require counselling for anxiety disorders, depression, and relationship break-ups before they are ready to proceed. Some resolve their anxiety or depression with short-term counselling and then do not require Surrogate Sex Therapy.
WHAT COMMON SEXUAL ISSUES CAN BE RESOLVED BY USING SEXUAL SURROGATE THERAPY? Clients can present some common issues that lead to effective treatment by a Surrogate. These can include:
In such circumstances, a client is often referred on for Surrogate sex therapy by professional therapists when traditional techniques do not work. The Surrogates are trained to be authentic and build rapport(the two most effective parts of counselling) so that a genuine relationship develops with strict boundaries for the clients benefit. With Surrogate Sex Therapy the sessions are limited. The therapy is conducted according to the highest ethical and professional standards of the International Professional Surrogates Association where the client interests, safety, confidentiality are paramount. After each session, the therapist receives a written report about the session so that they remained informed and can continue to give the appropriate counselling and devise strategies to overcome the problem.
Surrogate therapy can include all the latest techniques of sex therapy including pharmacological solutions to assist clients with their problems. Typically, therapy involves CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy), relationship counselling, pharmacological (Viagra etc.), sex education (DVD) and psychotherapy. This eclectic approach is responsive to clients needs and focused on a clear hypothesis based on a thorough assessment.
SAFE SEX AND MEDICAL CHECKUPS All contact between the clients and the Surrogates is strictly according to safe sex guidelines even when medical checkups clear both the client and the Surrogate of any infections or diseases.
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SEXUAL SURROGATES AND PROSTITUTES? Some wowsers and uninformed members of the public have confused Sexual Surrogates with prostitutes. The distinction is very clear : - One is a therapy and one is a service.
Surrogate Sex Therapy is a long term established legitimate therapy and prostitution is a sexual service. While some may find visiting a prostitute therapeutic, it is for very different reasons that a person is referred to a Surrogate. These may include problems with their sex life that impact their well-being and relationships like:
WHO ARE THE SURROGATES? Surrogates largely come from other professional fields – counsellors, naturopaths, teachers etc. The importance of professional ethics, confidentiality, and duty of care for clients is continually impressed upon them. Most of the Surrogates have a counselling background and are trained in sexual dysfunction and sexuality issues. Some Surrogates have special skills in disability issues, because they come from a medical or nursing background.
The chief therapist is:
Dr Hickman has been a specialist sex therapist and registered psychologist for nearly 20 years. Some of his appointments are: • Educator with Victorian Family Planning Association • Senior Psychologist Victorian AIDS Council • Researcher with National Centre for HIV Social Research • Psychologist in Private Practise - Whole Health Clinic • Lecturer Australian College of Natural Medicine • Lecturer Sexual Health Centre • Media Spokesperson for Australian Psychological Society • President of Australian Society of Sex Educators Researchers and Therapists (ASSERT) (Victoria)
Some of the Sexual Surrogates we refer to are : -
Surrogates take a sensitive, non-judgemental and professional approach to developing successful strategies to help an individual and their partner express sensuality, love and sexuality to their fullest dimension possible. One unique aspect of Surrogate Sex Therapy is that, if the problem is not immediately obvious, the Surrogates are not told what the problem is so that they are not biased, and the client is given the opportunity to reveal more and feel more intimate. Showing the client that they can build a trusting relationship is often much more important than the sex.
PERFECT PARTNERS The other benefit of Surrogate Sex Therapy is that a partner is provided. Many people avoid intimacy, dating or otherwise trying to find a relationship because they cannot “do sex.” Some have attempted to find understanding partners but have allowed bad experiences to make them “gun shy” of the opposite sex. Men can end up thinking that women are more demanding than they are in reality, imagining that their need for intimacy is a high need for sex. A man suffering from sexual dysfunction feels he is risking being called a dud lover, put down for their lack of performance and even laughed at. Women, on the other hand may feel they have to protect the male ego at the expense of their own feelings or cannot make their partners listen to and believe their needs. Therefore, the feedback is not given and cannot be heard. A person is much more likely to listen to a Surrogate who is a professional with experience, provides objective helpful feedback, and is honest.
Sexual Surrogates are selected by a professional therapist and matched to the client not based on the looks but based on their skills meeting the client’s particular need. Therefore, photos of Surrogates are not shown to the clients, as the trusting relationship is so much more important then the physical attractiveness.
Many clients who engage in Surrogate Sex Therapy have very attractive interpersonal skills as a compensation for their lack of bedroom skills. With a Sexual Surrogate, this façade can be safely allowed to come down so that the problem may be addressed honestly, with the client being confident that the Surrogate knows what they are doing. A Sexual Surrogate is in the unique position of being able to give direct, objective feedback. The annoying little habits that defeat the mood of foreplay and intimacy become apparent and can then be dealt with immediately. During the sessions the Sexual Surrogates are trained to notice the subtle changes in mood, feelings etc. Every detail of the session is written down by the Surrogate and can be related back to the client and to the therapist. This gives the therapist a huge advantage from the provided increase in information about unconscious behaviour and feelings.
For instance if you ask a male client how he caresses a woman during intimacy they may tell you they do it really well. A Surrogate is able to give feedback to this skill, such as the touch being too hard or soft or even the depth of feelings the clients have. People with high anxiety for example have a low level of sensation as the anxiety can mask or quickly overtake any other feelings. These people with high anxiety for many years can fall into poor intimacy habits as they have not allowed themselves the time to experience and appreciate the deep feelings of closeness and warmth that sex can produce.
WHAT IF I FALL IN LOVE? With such large emphasis on building a relationship between client and Surrogate, it is to be expected that strong feelings will emerge. This is a sign of successful therapy. In fact, nearly all clients ask “What if I fall in love with the Surrogate?” the answer is “That if you don’t the therapy isn’t working!” Just as in psychotherapy strong feelings emerge for therapists and are shared between counsellor and client – called transference – in Surrogate Sex Therapy these feelings also appear. The transference in Surrogate therapy is managed by acknowledging the feelings, working with them, and specific therapeutic interventions. By working through these intimate emotions, the client begins to understand that these strong feelings are about their own personal issues. The client can begin to understand that these are normal feelings that arise when people spend intimate time together.
Toward the end of Surrogate Sex Therapy, clients are encouraged to start relationships in the real world or practise what they have learnt in real life situations with their own intimate partners. Specific exercises are constructed to encourage this transition. For example, forming a relationship and only progressing to foreplay to assess their ability to manage their anxiety. Many single people with a sexual problem feel unwilling to start a relationship for fear of “leading someone on” or “starting something they can’t finish.” While this has some logic, eventually, to have a sexual relationship you have to start one and take a manageable risk. An easier way of doing this for people with intimacy disability is to do it with someone who is trained, keen to help and caring. WHAT IS THE COST? The first assessment interview is $200 Surrogate and therapist sessions (2.5 hours) are $640 The number of sessions depends on the problem, ranges from 3 sessions to 20, and is usually conducted weekly.
© Copyright Rev. Dr. S. D'Montford, Monday, 24 October 2005. Melbourne. Australia. |